Barbie
Cotton fabric, felt, polyfil, embroidery thread, marker, yarn, pins
2021

I created Barbie with the intention of resembling me, an unconventional adult. I am nothing like the traditional perfect Barbie Dolls I grew up playing with and aspired to be. This doll is an expression of my pain, suffering, joy, and growth as I explore the new possibilities of who I am becoming.Being a survivor of child abuse has caused my trauma to manifest itself in many different ways. My father physically, verbally, emotionally abused and manipulated my brothers and I for as long as I can remember, and my mother enabled it.

Growing up, my cousins and I were inseparable and shared a deep bond. A year ago one of them took his own life and not a day goes by where I don't miss him. As we became teenagers a pedophile entered our lives. He began to groom one of my cousins and we had no idea the magnitude of what would happen. The pain and devastation that he has caused still echoes throughout my mind. 

I struggle with Major Depression, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder daily due to my trauma. Experiencing many unstable, abusive, and toxic relationships including being disowned multiple times by my parents has been taxing. I have abused alcohol, exercise, and food for immediate relief from myself. I have considered suicide several times and have self-harmed with sharp objects on my arms, and legs.

Throughout the years, I have utilized many of the resources available such as the National Suicide Prevention Hotline countless times. After being hospitalized for a week at a psychiatric in-patient program, I have found wonderful therapists who I work with weekly and a phenomenal primary care physician. I have been fortunate to have loving friends that stood by me and am eternally grateful to. 

My life has changed dramatically since I've come to live with my two amazing partners. They surround me with so much love, patience, positivity, and support in my daily life that I can feel at ease. My house is now a home where I can safely be myself and work hard on the healing process. Finally being able to flourish in a positive environment as a person who carries trauma often feels surreal and scary. But the more I work at it with my therapists and my partners, the more I trust that I am safe.